The Sword and the Stone
by Penguinstar
Summary: Alabaster wishes he had something powerful enough to really protect himself. His wishes are answered, but not in a good way. Enter the Holy Sword Excalibur and all his 1000 provisions. Rated T because I'm paranoid.


The Sword and the Stone

It had been only a few weeks since Alabaster Torrington and Howard Claymore had met. Lamia had not bothered them, and the two were traveling the country together. With no-where to go the teenaged demigod and a middle aged mortal to go, they were very much nomads. They went where ever there were fewer monsters, and wherever their ever-sore feet took them. Well, Alabasters sore feet. Pain, as well as some other physical sensations had almost completely deserted Claymore in his Mistform body, with only a numb tingling sensation to remind Claymore what he had once felt all the time.

The tired teen lay on the ground next to their campfire. "Honestly, this is almost as bad as Lamia." Alabaster had yet again been attacked by monsters, and was exhausted by the fight. "As much as I hate Jackson, I don't want to think about the monsters he attracts being as powerful as he is." It was times like this, at the end of the day, when Alabaster was more open, as Claymore had learnt. "Sometimes I almost begin to wish that I had a way around this. Sometimes I almost begin to wish I hadn't rebelled against the gods, if only to be able to have somewhere safe like that camp and not have the souls of my siblings on my conscience. But the gods are cruel and uncaring. They proved that when the exiled me." Alabaster said, staring into the flames. Claymore felt sorry for the boy. He was only fifteen but had a worse deal in life than most. "I just wish I didn't have to run. I wish I had something powerful enough to chase the monsters away."

"Like some kind of weapon?" The mortal asked.

"Yeah. Some kind of sword." The half-god yawned. "I'm being silly, but sometimes I think I still have that hero complex I got when I fist joined Kronos' forces. I don't deserve to say that word, let alone say I am one." The kid was so sad it was a wonder he wasn't insane already, Claymore reflected. It made him feel sad that Alabaster was so unhappy. The kid didn't deserve exile.

Alabaster was asleep and Claymore was in the semi-sleeping state that seemed to be all he needed since taking his current form. Claymore, his senses sharpened by weeks on the run with Alabaster, heard the sound of a twig breaking. He was instantly awake. They were in the middle of the forest, so some forest noises could be expected, but the twig snapping didn't seem to be a natural sound. A bush rustled, and Claymore's eyes locked onto the movement. Another twig snapped, and Alabaster woke up immediately. The boy was a light sleeper, as he had to be. "What is that." He hissed to his companion. "Don't know. I was just about to wake you. It's over there." Claymore whispered, pointing to the direction the sound of the twig snapping had come from. Suddenly something jumped out from the bush. The two jumped. In front of them was the strangest creature any of them had ever seen. It was short, white, and had a long upturned nose. But perhaps the strangest thing about it was its clothing. It was wearing a top-hat and frilly jacket, but no pants at all. The whole thing just seemed to emit a aura of weird. "What are yo-" Alabaster started to ask, but was cut off by the creature suddenly pointing it's cane at his nose and shouting "Fool!" The creature, which was male as far as Alabaster and Claymore could work out, then planted the cane in the ground and folded his strange paw-like hands over the top. "I heard you were looking for a powerful sword! I am the Legendary Sword Excalibur, the most powerful Weapon in existence. I will grant you limitless power!"

"Um, what? Excalibur doesn't ex-" Once again the stunned demigod was cut off by a cane in has face and the cry of "Fool!" By this time Alabaster was beginning to anger, and Claymore had no idea what to think.

"If you want to wield me, there are 1000 provisions you must follow! Number one: my mornings start off with a cup of coffee with cream!"

The two humans (well, kind of humans) had decided to ignore that thing, hoping it would go away. That was, of course, after Alabaster had tried to banish it with magic, which came after it's 'grandest toilet' provision.

Claymore was back from collecting firewood when he noticed the thing claiming to be King Arthurs legendary sword was still at their camp. "Um excuse me-" Claymore started to say politely, but was interrupted by the things yell of "Fool! Provision number 58: never talk to me when I am humming to myself."

"What the Hades!" Alabaster yelled from the other side of the fire. The demigod just couldn't take it anymore. "You weren't even humming! You were standing there looking into the fire completely silent!"

"Fool!" Excalibur declared. "That is a violation of provision 667: you must praise Excalibur at all times, and provision 348: You must not insult or contradict Excalibur in any way, shape or form! You have also not yet honoured provision number 75: Celebrate Excalibur's birthday in grand style."

"Okay, okay. It's you birthday today?" Alabaster demanded, fed up with the egotistical rabbit.  
"Everyday is my birthday, fool." The Holy Sword declared. "As a punishment, you both must now fulfil provision number 452: You must attend my 5-hour storytelling party! This is the most important of all 1000 provisions! My legend begins in the 12th century-"

"And so I abandoned the _Queen Anne's Revenge_, leaving behind my beautiful lover Rebecca and the life of a pirate. I then joined the police force. The moral of this story is to never stand in the rain during winter!"

"What the Fury! That story had noting to do with rain! And Blackbeard is a demigod son of Ares, not your brother! There is no way you are a demigod or god! There is no way we are related!" Alabaster shouted, jumping up in anger. Claymore couldn't blame the half-blood. Excalibur was more than annoying. He seemed to be a being created solely to annoy and infuriate.

Alabaster, who was about to leap at Excalibur's throat, found himself at the end of it's cane. "Fool!" He declared. The little rabbit was fond of saying that. "Provision 172: seek harmony! Provision 15: The legend of Excalibur is 100% fact. Provision 894: Polka dots are not an acceptable pattern for underwear."

"I haven't worn polka dot underwear since I was three! That has noting to do with anything! Screw you! I don't care if I can defeat the gods with you, I can't stand you at all! You're obnoxious and egotistical! _Incantatem: fumus scrinii._"

A thick cloud of smoke enveloped all three in the clearing. Claymore felt Alabasters rough hand grab his wrist and drag him in the opposite direction from Excalibur.

Later, when the two companions were a safe distance away from the egotistical rabbit-thing Claymore turned to Alabaster. "Really, what was that?" He asked.

"I have no idea. I'm just glad we didn't have to sit through that 5-hour story telling party or comply with his 1000 provisions. Like I'm going to walk 3 steps behind him, or iron his non-existent pants." Claymore chuckled nervously.

"But honestly, I have never met a more conceited, egotistical, narcissistic, self-obsessed pig in my entire messed up life. I swear he has an superiority complex the size of Jupiter!" Alabaster looked up at Claymore. "What are you smirking at?"

"Polka dot underwear?" The Mistform questioned. Alabaster looked red.

"I was three!"

Early in the morning, when Alabaster and Claymore were sleeping (Dealing with the rabbit had tired Claymore's mind enough for him to need real sleep) Alabaster woke. They sky was grey, and he swore he could hear someone singing.

_Excalibur! Excalibur! _

_From United Kingdom,_

_I'm looking for him, _

_I'm going to California _

_Excalibur! Excalibur! _

_From United Kingdom,_

_I'm looking for him, _

_I'm going to California _

_Excalibur! Excalibur! Excalibur!_

"It's just a dream." He told himself, lying back down. But just to be certain, he was was not going to California for a long, long time.

Later that morning, Death the Kid and Black Star walked into class to find none other than Excalibur. Needless to say that they ran halfway to Italy.


End file.
